2014: A RECAP

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Man oh man 2014 was such a beautiful and complicated year. A beautiful mess. That's what I'll call it. I got to watch my daughter's first everything happen right before my very eyes. Day after day of being a stay at home mother I got to see that first step, the first word, the first time she ate solids, her first big girl bath. I mean...those moments really are priceless. I've sacrificed a lot in order to be a stay at home mother but I think the hardest one for me is who I was before.

In 2014 I had to learn that who I was before many times comes after who I am now. I had to learn that  to have moments of yearning for the life I had before children doesn't make me a horrible mother. I've cried ugly cries because my head felt like it was going to explode from motherhood. I learned that's normal. It's normal to need time for yourself. I can still have the life I had before, I simply need to make time for it. I've learned that I have an AMAZING support group of family and friends that keep it honest. And I've learned without a support group I would go batsh** crazy.

In 2014 I saw my husband transform everyday into a more spontaneous and joyful man. I saw him begin to let go and let god. I saw all of the amazing ways he was willing to make me happy, even down to bringing me a cup of my favorite tea while I'm working. I saw that I married the type of father that I always wanted for my children. I learned from him to be selfless and thoughtful, to consider other people's feeling more. I learned to stop bugging him when he's watching football.

But the main thing that I learned which was such an important lesson to me is that I had to keep moving. My mind is constantly on repeat "What am I going to do with my life? What am I going to offer the world? What can I call a job that will make me happy?" I envy Beyonce. Because Beyonce knew she wanted to be a singer when she came out of her mother's uterus. I envy my sister, because my sister knew she wanted to be a medical biller in her early 20's. What was so wrong with my brain that I didn't just KNOW what I was supposed to be doing.

And I tried. I owned a clothing store, a house cleaning business (true story: I even owned a lawnmower and weed wacker), started a planner prototype, was in the midst of planning a baby boutique. I even thought seriously one day that I would just be a Philosoph and people would simply flock to me for wise meetings like Ghandi. I realized quickly however that job didn't pay well. I mean, I was all over the place.

But what I learned from being all over the place, finally in 2014, I learned that's ok. And my lesson was to simply keep moving. To keep actively trying new things and not sitting on my ass waiting for a light to come on. That it's ok to not know, but to keep going and keep trying. And maybe there isn't some huge universal mystery that I have to figure out. But actively starting was the best way to find out.

I've "failed" many, many times in 2014. But what I'm taking into 2015 is that the biggest failure would be to remain stagnant. To let failure win. And anyone who knows me knows, I'm definitely not about to do that.

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